To choose our authentic self is to fully accept our humanness; to recognise, accept, and respect our feelings by dealing with them honestly; to be aware of our gifts, our talents, and our potential, which we appreciate and use to the fullest for our own good and for the good of others.

When we choose our authentic self, we are aware of the reality of human limitations and are willing to learn from mistakes and failures rather than be crushed by them. Since suffering is an inevitable reality of human life, the authentic self accepts suffering and seeks to discover its meaning. Choosing the authentic self is synonymous with choosing growth because the authentic self has a deep appreciation and gratitude for life.

The masked self comes into being in our effort to gain acceptance. It is the product of deprivation of love and fear of rejection during our early years. The masks form in layers that suit different people and situations. When we choose our masked self, we become the slave of unreal expectations. To gain acceptance, we suppress or camouflage our feelings, making honesty with regard to feelings impossible. When we choose our masked self, we fail to recognise human limitations, and we experience an obsessive desire for power in order to be accepted by others. We fail to appreciate our gifts or potential because we are driven to aspire to present a "super" or "perfect" image. The masked self has difficulty accepting failure or mistakes, which it interprets as crushing boulders instead of stepping stones. Suffering becomes a threat to the masked self's survival because that self is incapable of discovering a meaning to life. The masked self is so preoccupied with being accepted and at the same time is so inhibited from fear of rejection that for it life becomes a perpetual agony. Since the masked self does not appreciate life, it does not facilitate growth; it breeds self-destruction and death.

Anna Polcino, (1978) Issues of Emotional Living in an Age of Stress for Clergy and Religious. Massachusette: House of Affirmation,

Self-Integration and Personality Integration
Personality integration is a lifetime process in which the faculties of an individual's personality work together in a smooth, coordinated whole. To make personality integration possible, we must be in close touch with the self. The ability to listen to oneself is an important factor in attaining personality integration. Integration of personality involves the smooth harmonisation of feelings, thoughts and behaviour. A consistent or integrated personality results only when our ideations, emotions, and actions are in harmony. When an individual's mind is full of happy thoughts caused by a joyful situation, that individual senses joyful feelings and his or her behaviour expresses joy through smiles or laughter. In an individual habitually tries to deny these feelings of joy by showing anger or fear expressed as inappropriate behaviour, he or she is certainly manifesting "self-alienation," or inconsistency or disharmony of self.

Personality integration is manifested in one's total acceptance of what one really is. When we accept ourselves for what we are, we cease to hunger for power or the acceptance of others because our self-intimacy reinforces our inner sense of security. We are no longer preoccupied with being powerful or popular. We no longer fear criticism or contradiction because we accept the reality of human limitations. Integrated, we are no longer plagued with the desire to please others because simply being true to ourselves brings us lasting inner peace. We accept our feelings as part of the self. We appreciate and listen to them. Accepting our feelings enables us to choose appropriate behaviour patterns that are beneficial to ourselves and to others. Personality integration enables us to enjoy life responsibly and to discover the particular meaning of our own particular lives. We are grateful for life because we deeply appreciate and love ourselves.

Just as intimacy with the self facilitates personality integration, self-alienation fosters split personality. Self-alienation is the tendency to ignore, deny, or misperceive one's being and inner experiences. When we are self-alienated, we are fearful of ashamed of what is happening within. We suppress and fail to recognise our feelings. We experience a pervading sense of self-hate, and feelings of inferiority and inadequacy prevent us from functioning normally at any task. We are persistently compelled to put on different masks in order to relate to others or adjust to certain situations. Self-alienated, we survive by deceit and are mercilessly haunted by guilt. Our cycle of self-hatred is continual. Abraham H. Maslow aptly describes the difference between the split personality and the integrated personality: To the extent that we are split, our expressions and communications are split, partial, onesided. To the extent that we are integrated, whole, unified, spontaneous, and fully functioning, to that extent are our expressions and communications complete, unique and idiosyncratic, alive and creative rather than inhibited, conventionalised and artificial, honest rather than phony."

The Self and Interpersonal Relationships
The French philosopher Jean Guitton points to the symbiosis that exists between self-love and love of others: "...love of another is inseparable from self-love......it is impossible not to recognise that love is always in some degree, self-love..." If one's concept of love is that of benevolence expressed in care and concern for the well-being of another, this love is possible only when one cares for one's self and is also concerned for one's own well-being. If love is communion with other, this communion is possible only if one has the capacity to commune with one's self. Christ based the commandment to love one's neighbour on love of one's self.

Self-intimacy presupposes a responsible love of self. This love of self is not the narcissistic self-preoccupation that excludes others. Intimacy with the self means listening to one's self, one's feelings, one's intuition and insights. It also means listening to one's body, its needs, and what promotes its well-being. If we are habitually attentive to our own needs and if we gratify those needs in a responsible and acceptable manner, we sharpen our capacity to be sensitive to the needs of others. We are able to extend ourselves to constructively promote what is beneficial to others. Self-intimacy strengthens our self-esteem and self-respect, the presence of which enables us to esteem and respect others. Only when we are intimate with ourselves are we able to develop insights, interpret situations more accurately, and decide to behave in a way that is personally and socially acceptable. Most of life's situations have to be faced by what we call common sense. Common sense is simply wisdom from within. Every person (barring brain damage) is gifted with this inner wisdom, but continual listening to the self is necessary to getting in touch with its wellspring.

The capacity to love is a very important element in interpersonal relationships. This capacity is developed from infancy. If one's capacity to love is well developed, one is not bothered about the question of whether one is lovable or not. One is able to love without imposing demands on others. The capacity to love and accept others is strengthened by self-intimacy. When we feel secure within, we are able to accept others as they are; we are able to accept with calm both love and hostility from others.

Alienation from self increases the need to be loved and accepted but decrease the capacity to love. Self-hatred erects a barrier to satisfactory relationships. When an individual hates himself or herself, he or she operates by means of pretense and deceit. Since these means cannot be hidden from the self, contempt for self increases. Self-contempt, self-alienation, and self-hatred are expressed in hostility toward others. Such hostility breeds so much anxiety and guilt that an individual finds it iimpossible to enjoy any relationship at all.

Another effect of self-alienation is rigidity-the refusal to change or adapt to changing situations. Our feelings may congeal to the point of being callous. We find sensitivity to others impossible, and we begin to rationalise irresponsbile behaviour.

The more emotions are checked, the more likely it is that emphasis will be placed upon intelligence. The expectation then will be that everything can be solved by sheer power of reasoning, as if mere knowledge of one's own problems would be sufficient to cure them. Or as if reasoning alone could cure all the troubles of the world!" Anger at oneself gives vent to hostility. It appears as general irritability, as irritation at the same faults in others that one hates in one's self.

Anna Polcino, (1978) Issues of Emotional Living in an Age of Stress for Clergy and Religious. Massachusette: House of Affirmation.